The Republic is gone, my mailbag is filled with so many letters soaked in liberal tears. They all seem to have a return address of Alderaan. Also gone are the Jedi, the so called defenders of the peace who led us into one of the most costly galactic wars of all time. Complete failures.
But you can’t move forward if you’re looking in the rear view mirror. You know what else is gone? Droid armies, whiny Separatists, political correctness with aliens.
The future’s already looking brighter, in fact it’s looking amazing! It’s just a shame a few people aren’t getting with the program, there are a few malcontents out there who just won’t stop complaining. I guess you can’t please everyone folks.
Wilhuff ‘Tarky’ Tarkin, just don’t ask him if you can borrow one of his pens …
I’d like to take the credit for it all, I really would. But there’s a guy behind the scenes who has really helped me pull this off, our Chief Strategist Wilhuff Tarkin. I know he looks like the kind of guy who’d try to lure your teen children into the back of a speeder, but let me tell you this guy is the real deal.
His resume is just so impressive. He’s taken down them all, supernatural aliens who hypnotise young girls to drink their blood, cadavers reanimated from inappropriate use of either alien science or use of the dark force -there’s a reason this guy looks so pallid, he’s looked death in the eye. But don’t be fooled though, that guy has a real love of wargames, and once got Darth Vader to force choke a maid who stepped on one of his toy soldiers … I mean detailed miniatures.
Anyhow, Tarky is quite the character. And he tells me he needs to be more at the core of things, and he’s absolutely right. We used to have a few panels I’d have to sit in on as Chancellor with a few key senators. Oh my, they were quite boring all full of “I object”. Those guys would never give my ideas a chance.
Anyhow, we’re going to scrap some of those boring meetings, and have Tarky more front and centre, y’know running things. It was him who ended up coming up with the snappy name of the Death Star for our “superlaser planet destroyer”.
He’s such a card. He’s helped taken over our Death Star program which was running just so badly under the Jedi. He’s helping it get back on track.
But you know both of us are more men of actions. I know there’s some people in the Senate going “we should talk this over and think about this first”. That’s all very nice as an idea. But in reality, boring! We need to move forward, and we’re not going to do that talking. Tarky has said if the representative from Alderaan raises one more objection, it’s going straight on the list for test firing our technological terror. Yup, Alderaan first!
Just try and play nice will you and give this all a chance won’t you? It’s like some of you are trying to stop me enjoying being absolute ruler! Just start acting nice, pretend the Death Star is already stopping by in your solar system. Oh yes, how some of you liberals will change your tune when that happens!