For over a millennia the Jedi Knights were in charge of maintaining peace and order in the galaxy. And what an absolute disaster that was. They failed with the Trade Federation occupation at Naboo, and it led in the end to the Clone Wars and slaughter on a galactic scale.
Everything (and boy do I mean everything) that we’ve endured the last few years can be traced back to a mixture of the Jedi councils incompetence and their constant scheming. They wanted the Republic to fail. At the end of the Clone Wars they were ready to muscle me out. They even attempted a coup to arrest me! But thanks to Darth Vader knowing which of us was a winner, we put a stop to that. What a true patriot folks.
The Jedi are gone now, and I hear they’re doing well in exile out on the outer rim somewhere, but they leave us with an absolute catastrophe on our hands.
A millennia of Jedi incompetence left the galaxy weak, and the Clone Wars only highlighted that. Planets felt they didn’t need to spend so much on their military, that “someone else” would police the peace for them. Wrong!
The Gungan army at the Battle of Naboo – what an absolute embarrassment folks!
Look at my homeplanet of Naboo. Folks, it just makes me squirm. We had a volunteer security army. Volunteers! When we had the Trade Federation invade, we didn’t have time to raise an army. In the end we had to turn to the Gungans for help. The Gungans have a lot of heart, but what an absolute embarrassment they were on the battlefield.
Then you have those losers on Alderaan and their “we’re peaceful, we have no weapons”. They don’t even have an army. Why? Because they expect someone else to do the fighting for them AND pay for it.
It’s this arrogance which really bugs me. I tell you, it just really gets my goat.
The one good thing which has come out of this war is our clone army. It’s a great army. Folks, I don’t think there’s another which can really stand up to it. Not since we shut down the droids.
Since the Clone Wars have ended, and with us shifting from a Republic to an Empire, there’s a whole lot of challenges. It’s hard work. I mean you’d not believe how hard it’s been making decisions to enslave Wookies or finding the budget to finish the Death Star. But you’re lucky your leader has just so much tremendous energy.
But like the changes upon us transitioning to an Empire, the clone army has it’s own changes ahead. We’re starting by renaming it. I wanted them to be called Space Marines, but someone tells me that name’s been taken. Darth Vader wanted to call them “the twinkle starlight brigade”, but turns out that his med-droid has been over-prescribing the morphine since he got burned.
We settled on Stormtroopers. It’s got a cool ring, with just enough “don’t screw with me”. I love it.
Darth Vader and our boys in white. Every one a hero.
Our Stormtrooper army will be helping to fill in the hole that the Jedi’s exile has left us with. Decent people are screaming out for law and order, and our Stormtrooper army will help us police the galaxy just so much better than under the Jedi. Amazingly better.
But policing doesn’t come cheap. The Jedi said they worked for nothing, but behind the scenes they were just so corrupt. You can trust our Stormtroopers, but they’re paid for their service, and that means taxes. Yeah, I hate to be “that guy” who raises taxes, but it will be all proportional. I like to call it “peacekeeping as a service”.
If you have a moderate army and you need relatively few peacekeeping services, then wow you’re going to see your tax bill embarrassingly low. You should see yourself paying just so much less than you used to under the Republic. But if you’re a planet of liberal troublemakers like Alderaan and expect Stormtroopers to do your fighting for you, then I’ve news for you planet Snowflake, the tax is going to sting quite a bit.
Obviously it’s a huge galaxy, and even with an army as amazing as we have, that’s going to be quite a stretch. So here’s the exciting part that I’ve been bursting to share with you. We’re recruiting!
Yes, it’s not going to be an exclusively clone army any more. If you’re a human who’s envied the way chicks swoon over guys in armour. If you just hate seeing other humans being bossed around by entitled aliens. If you want to travel the galaxy, encounter strange new life, and take pot shots at it, then a life in the Imperial Army could be for you.
This is going to be huge for job creation for humans. And our Empire is going to be all about putting humans first. Drop by a recruitment centre today and join the team!